Finding my eternal companion in Unicorn Overlord
Plus, Princess Peach: Showtime! & my podcast appearance
I pined for Bastila in Knights of the Old Republic. I dated the entire town in Stardew Valley. I plotted and schemed to pair everyone off in Fire Emblem: Three Houses, and I goshdarned near had a panic attack when I (mistakenly) thought I sunk my chances with Triss in The Witcher 3. Even the thinnest in-game relationships turn me into an obsessive romantic.
So when I began to tire of Unicorn Overlord’s battles, I launched a new campaign: I courted the whole cast:
At a crucial moment in the new tactical RPG, you’re encouraged to give a magic ring to the companion you trust most. After you’ve maxed out their relationship points, you can have player character Alain propose to the special someone, be they man or woman, angel or beast-person. Sure, it’s not exactly a wedding, but it’s a ritual to establish an “unbreakable bond” between two people: What does that sound like to you? [In sooth, it resembles a sealing in my own faith tradition more than anything else]
I subjected Alain to dozens, perhaps hundreds, of special meals with his ever-burgeoning army. I hoarded rubies and diamonds to shower upon the paramour of the hour. I even climbed the gladiatorial ranks to face the game’s optional boss, Amalia — a mysterious giant who promises to join you only if you beat her in the arena.
After recruiting everyone in sight, my wife and I watched Alain woo them all before the Unicorn altar. His promises of undying loyalty rang increasingly [and hilariously!] hollow each time we reloaded the scene with a new partner.
I whittled down my favorite Rites of the Covenant, as the game calls them, to a top 10 + an honorable mention. But as a bonus to you, beloved reader, here’s the tier list of the proposal scenes for the folks I managed to win over:
Also, I edited Rakiesha Chase-Jackson’s review of Princess Peach: Showtime! It’s hardly the Mario game-changer I thought it might be, but it’s good, if simple, fun:
Each level is a different play going on in the theater and Peach is the star. As a fan of magical girl anime, I enjoyed how instead of just giving Peach a weapon (like the Poltergust 3000 in Luigi's Mansion) or a power-up (like the catsuit in Bowser's Fury), Peach activates the unique abilities of each play's main actor – or "Sparkla" – through a Sailor Moon-esque transformation, transfiguring her outfit in a flashy cutscene.
These Sparkla metamorphoses are visually wondrous, but not all are created equal. I hope Nintendo revisits Kung Fu Peach, Ninja Peach, and Dashing Thief Peach in future games. But I dreaded having to play as Figure Skater Peach or Mermaid Peach. As cool as it was to control sea creatures through song or spin through graceful ice choreography, it was way more satisfying to take out guards as a stealthy ninja or navigate puzzling levels as a master spy with a grappling hook.
The game also presents a diverse array of boss battles. Some of them, like the maniacal lion — whose eyes are stage lights and who showcases a creepy Cheshire grin — fit perfectly in the game's world. But clunky mechanics made most of the bosses a slog to fight. Still, without giving anything away, I can say that the final boss is a fantastically fun epilogue to Peach's show that left me hungry for an encore.
Finally, I talked about Palworld, Helldivers 2, and snuck in a mention of poker roguelike sensation Balatro on the Here & Now Anytime podcast this Tuesday, in what I plan to be a recurring feature!